Quote: No Idea Graphic: Me
Despite all of my attempts and goals this year (2014) it is hard not to think of life a year ago at this time. March 11th, 2013 was by far the hardest day of my life thus far in my 26 years. It's hard not to imagine the little one that could have joined our family or the loss that we are healing from constantly to this day. March 11th may forever be one of the worst days of the year for me and the day that I will always fill my plate with so much I can't stop to think about it.
While it's extremely easy to talk about and remember the ways last year around this time negatively affected us it's extremely hard to remember the ways in which we have been blessed. So I will take the last 20 minutes of this day to remind myself of some great things we have experienced since what we would consider a tragedy struck our family.
- We were able to spend last summer in DC/Baltimore
- Jord attended Johns Hopkins and we made some of the greatest memories/friendships
- We moved into a place that isn't very far from where we once lived but suits us so much better
- Almost done with didactic part of pharmacy school
- Great friendships both new and old
- Several exhibitions/freelance opportunities in photography for me
- Rely on each other more
- Made fitness more of a priority
- Spent time in Utah with family/friends
- Teaching some of my greatest students
- Sufficient for our needs
- New callings
- Becoming somewhat of a better cook
- New car when ours got flooded
- Traveled to several locations around the southeast
- Successful research project/presentations for Jord
- Several opportunities for pharmacy roles
- Celebrated my great-grandmother's 100th birthday
- Started shooting more film photos
- A schedule that allows more sleeping in
I'm sure there is so much more...
It's so easy to get caught up in what we do not have because we want a child so badly. I hope this list doesn't come across in a bragging way because I would gladly give up most of those experiences to have that baby in my arms. But it's so important to see how we have been taken care of despite how hard it has been to see these things while going through them.
I've had several friends who have asked me on occasion how to help someone else they know going through a miscarriage or similar loss. The only answer I have is time. Time has healed my heart. Time has healed my soul. I can remember at the beginning spending days in bed crying off and on and thinking there was no way I was ever going to get through this. I couldn't understand why we had to go through this. It wasn't until I started relying more on my faith to pull me through that I was given a confirmation that it would just take time. I can't express how grateful I am to finally be living that time. That time where even though I still don't have all the answers my heart is no longer hurting and I no longer weep at things I cannot control.
Currently, we feel good to be moving forward in faith. To stop trying to control everything and just rely on a bigger plan than ourselves. We feel good to just have time.